Last night I was hungry. Real hungry. Bottomless pit styles. After dinner and a bit of mindless internet trawling, I needed more. Viper and I have this ‘thing’ – if one of us decides to make something to eat, the other one just HAS to as well. Not sure why, we both need to join in on the eating fun I guess. Viper’s sister has a similar problem, but it only occurs around Viper. When she sees him eat ANYTHING (no matter how weird) she has to have some. She doesn’t understand it either.
Anyway, after watching some particularly bad reality TV, I leapt up and declared, ‘Right! I’m eating.’ ‘Me too, me too,’ Viper chimes in. Off to the kitchen to hunt out a snack. While I assembled a usual bedtime munchy (some sort of cereal, dried fruit, soy milk, tahini kind of mixture in a bowl) Viper just stared blankly at the open pantry. He then moved to the fridge, opened that and did the same. Then, the freezer. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. ‘There’s nothing trashy enough in this house,’ Viper said with an undeniable hint of sadness and yearning. I suggested options for him (which I considered delicious ideas):
- My freshly made Spiced Pumpkin Granola with vanilla greek yoghurt
- His own cereal mix with milk
- Cup of tea and chocolate
- Egg, avacado, tomato wrap
- Leftover dinner
No, no, and no.
Not good enough, not trashy enough.
Viper went to bed hungry. Up to you, buddy, there were plenty of good eats in our house. Viper wanted burgers, pizzas, chips – he needed a fix.
I understand his predicament, sometimes you just want something bad, cos it’s good. You know? I’m not like Viper, I rarely crave burgers, pizzas etc, I’m more of a sweet tooth, and when the craving for bad strikes – this is my go to:
Like a chocolate bar and ice cream all in one.
I really shouldn’t be labelling foods GOOD and BAD – it’s not right, but there’s no other way of explaining it. Again, everything in moderation (including moderation!)
Sometimes the need for trash gets too much, and you must have it. You must. It’s like a fever, and you will not stop until the craving is satisfied. Viper did this one night after a few too many bottles of the good stuff; he was actually lying in bed moaning for trash. It got the better of him – he (drunkedly) got on his bike (which is STILL drink driving) and cycled down the street in the rain at 11:30 at night to the late night burger place on the main road. He said it was probably the best burger of his life.
A tangent might be nice? Yes? Back when we first moved to the Gold Coast, we were house sharing. Luckily, one of our house mates happened to be one of our best mates, so it was a pretty fun living situation. (I’ll fill you in on our OTHER house mate later, as he deserves a post all of his own, yeeeesh). He who shall remain nameless is obsessed with fishing. So much so, he watches fishing DVDs, and subscribes to fishing magazines for fun, yes – for FUN.
His is also incredibly talented at turning any object into an guitar – imagine a White Snake guitar solo, performed with a vacuum cleaner. Or REO Speedwagon with a gardening trowel. Fantastic.
He also seems to think that he can do a shot of rum while standing on his head. We keep telling him it’s impossible, but he just keeps trying.
Not to mention the break dancing
Viper and he who shall remain nameless have a serious case of man-love going on. It’s bad, real bad. Almost to the point I feel like I’m interrupting them on an intimate date when I’m around. They would stay up together to the small hours of the morning, drinking beers and listening to records – I sometimes was hesitant to go out there, afraid I would find them tracing circles in each other’s chest hair, gazing into each other’s eyes while listening to Tom Waits. Kidding. (am I?) Anyway, they are great mates and I enjoy teasing them about their man-love.
I didn’t even ask him to pose for this.
One night, under similar circumstances as I described above, he who shall remain nameless had a particularly bad case of “trash fever.” Again, after a few too many bottles he needed a fix. This was after everyone had gone to bed – it was about 1:30am – there was nothing suitable in the house to satisfy his craving. The only place that was still open, selling food was the petrol station – too far to walk, driving was out of the question – how could he get to his precious trash?
I am NOT making this up. I swear, this is what he did. He “borrowed” our 8 year old neighbour’s bicycle (a tiny child’s bike) that was left out on their lawn overnight. He cycled furiously for 15 minutes to the petrol station and purchased one of those cheeseburgers in a plastic packet – you know, the ones you heat up in the microwave at the petrol station. Perhaps the trashiest of trashy foods one could consume – so full of preservatives, additives and E numbers, it would possibly stay lodged in his colon forever.
Oh, and a packet of these was also furiously consumed, while sitting on the gutter, on the side of the road in the middle of the night. With a tiny child’s bike beside him.
Sometimes, you just gotta have trash.
What’s gives you ‘trash fever’?